Tom Hardy and Riz Ahmed are reading IGN comments and Riz read the comment that said “ Venom vs. Predator vs. Alien “ and Tom’s immediate reactions was to say “GANG BANG” and then make a face of REGRET™
white person: *eats chicken tikka masala once* i just…. i feel so connected… to indian culture …. I’m learning to speak islam…. check out my third eye….. chakra
Every time I see this. Every damn time. I’m immediately sucked back into my fuckin. Fuckin English lit class with Mr. Fuckass McShit. Mr. “Hit the gong to begin class”, “Namaste, Children”, “I wanna go backpacking in India to find my spiritual awakening and also my left burkinstock that I lost during a cedar sauna drum circle” ass bastard.
“Do you want to share your poetry with the class to get in touch with your emotions” ass fucker. Mr. “Here’s a photograph of a tribal shaman, describe him using nature words” asshole. Pretentious-ass, condescending motherfucker.
“Do you want to tell us about your saddest memory?”
“I dunno, sir. Are you giving me an option?”
“No.”
“Then why are you asking”
Every goddamn day. Fuck. “You seem tense.” Oh, I seem tense? I seem tense. Well fuck, Professor Pillsbury, maybe I ‘seem tense’ because I walk into a room on five hours of sleep to the sound of a goddamn brass gong drilling through my brain and your seven-foot-nine, socks-and-sandals-wearing, patchouli-smelling ass immediately gravitates in my direction with some shit like “a tree……… Is a Poem” and I gotta sit here and politely tell you that No I’m Not Comfortable Telling The Class About A Time I Was Emotionally Vulnerable With A Loved One using words that sound like the way the color yellow smells. Maybe I don’t wanna sit in a circle and hold hands with Brittney from Computer Sciences to “align our auras” or some shit. Fuck. Fuuuuuuck.
I swear to God, if I wanted to sing ‘kumbaya’ with a smelly old guy with gross facial hair who writes bad porn on the side, I’d go out to the parking lot and share a Hookah with Crazy Dan, the disgraced electrician.
What, I don’t wanna do an interpretive dance to represent the spiritual experience of eating Quinoa in a room full of ambivalent preteens and suddenly I’m the ‘troubled youth’ you need to Robin Williams “O Captain My Captain” your way into having a Paternal Bonding Moment powerful enough to Expand My Impressionable Young Mind and Turn My Life Around, you goddamn saint, you? Jesus Fucking Christ. You insufferable jackass. You’re not “Enlightened”, you rolled out of bed and ate half a pot brownie, wrote a sad song about a leaf, and strolled into class to ramble about your Spirit Animal for six hours straight before calling it a day. Holy Jesus goddamned Christ. Fucking Balls, sir. Holy Fucking Balls
This is something like that navy seal shitpost but ascended to the next level.
Vietnam’s version of “The Bachelor” recently captured a special moment which has never been seen in other iterations of the popular relationship reality show.
In one emotional episode, one female contestant proclaimed her love, not toward the “Bachelor,” but to another female contestant during the “rose ceremony.”
Monsters whose orgasms last a lot longer than a human’s. They shudder and squirt for minutes at a time, hips jerking, mouth wide open, and since you’re done already you might as well sit back and enjoy the show.
Ya know, enjoy the show.
Me as my monster boyfriend cums on me for 12 minutes and 43 seconds straight
Allen- “I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”
Kanda- “First off, no.”
Lenalee- “Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken”
Lavi– “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
Miranda- “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”
Krory- “In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
Marie- “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”
Link- “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”
Alma- “You remember being 12, when you’re like “Nobody look at me or I’ll kill myself”
Timothy- “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.”
Komui- “You know those days when you’re like, “This might as well happen.”
Cross- “Yeah he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.”
Neah- “You know, like a liar.”
Tyki- “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
Road- “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
Wisely- “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
Jasdevi- “I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick.”
Millennium Earl(Mana)- “Something happened here. You hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.”
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