the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so
Fuck the dragon
As a cliche bard player I’m gonna fuck the dragon AND I’m gonna fuck the cloud giants, beholders, and planetars.
see this is why, while i don’t condone banning bards, i understand why people do it
do u guys understand how creepy the pledge of allegiance is though like every day when ur a kid everybody just chants how great america is every morning it’s creepy
You do that every morning???
EVERY MORNING.
wait
wait
is this a real thing i thought that was just in the simpsons
no son
Wait, other countries don’t do this.
*whispers* Not even Russia
I remember when my dad had a conversation with me
because I asked him what the Austrian pledge of allegiance was (because he’s from Austria)
and he said “we don’t have a pledge of allegiance”
and I said “why not?”
“honey, think about what training your children to mindlessly pledge to a flag, without really knowing what they’re talking about, sounds like to Austrians”
“oh. hitler.”
“exactly”
RE FUCKING TWEET
as an austrian, that is literally what i think about every time the subject comes up
Not just the pledge, but flags. FLAGS. The American flag is fucking everywhere. You can’t stand on a public street and look in any direction without seeing at least one American flag. For crying out loud, they are flying outside fast food joints. WTF does McDonald’s have a flagpole? I lived in Spain for more than a year and I’m certain I didn’t see the Spanish flag hanging anywhere that wasn’t an actual government building, and even then not every time.
ketchupzombie's tumblr 